Love Journeys: Remembering the Past to Live in the Present - Entry 2

He lived in LaGrange, IL.

I lived in Chicago, IL.

While it was a straight shot down I55, taking about 25 minutes, I really had no interest in dating someone that lived or wanted to live in the suburbs. While I was still learning many things about myself, I knew that I was a true city girl. 

But, instead of suggesting that we meet at a central location, he offered to pick me up for our first date. Without hesitation, I obliged. Initially, he asked me what I wanted to do, but quickly retracted and said, "I'll take care of it."

We had talked several times on the phone and ended up at a movie screening together, so that first date awkwardness was non-existent. We chatted away like old friends. After, we had been driving for a little bit, I inquired where we were going, noticing we were on that I55 highway. lol.

He smiled. And, kept talking.

Yes, he did. He planned for our date to take place in LaGrange. While I was certain there was absolutely nothing to do in LaGrange, I relaxed and let the day happen.

And, the day did just that...it went on and on and on (in a good way). Twelve hours from the time he picked me up, he was finally dropping me back off at home. I would have never expected that first date would have lasted nearly as long as it did, nor did I think I wanted it to.

We saw a movie. Why Did I Get Married had just come out and of course, I wanted to see it!

We went to Panera and played Mancala (for hours). He indulged me in my love of board games. (I did bring it with me at his request to learn how to play)

We had dessert.

We talked for hours.

It was one of the best first dates I had experienced. At that time, I wasn't sure if anything would happen beyond the first date because Paul was still healing from a divorce and he wanted to be close to his daughter who was moving to Maryland with his ex-wife.

I quickly decided to enjoy the time we spent together without planning out our future.

It turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

Love Journeys: Remembering the Past to Live in the Present - Entry 1

June is a bittersweet month for me as I approach what would have been my 5th wedding anniversary (June 11th). 

I contemplated how I would turn this month into something special and God placed it on my heart to continue to share my story in ways that are healing to me. So, join me on a journey, the love journey...it's the story of how Paul and I met and life transpired until he took his last breath. 

I am learning to own my story in order to heal my heart.

So...here goes EVERYTHING!

HERstory: Sunday, September 23, 2007 started as most Sundays do for me, 8 a.m. church service at Apostolic Faith Church.  In addition, this particular Sunday was filled with breakfast with the Davis sisters (Aisha and Danielle), Metroboard 25th anniversary planning meeting and hanging out to watch the Bears with Sjar and Tiffany. The first half of the day, I was in a fairly good mood and happy to be spending time with my friends who as most people know are more like my siblings since I am an only child. 

Unfortunately, between leaving the Davis sisters and getting to my afternoon meeting, a funk came over me that I could not shake.  Once I finished business for the day, I wanted to head home to just sit on my couch and chill.  So, I called Sjar and Tiffany and told them that I would catch them later and that I wasn't up for hanging out to watch the game.  Neither of them were letting me off that easy and insisted that I join them at Jimmy Figs.  They persuaded me that if I was feeling "blah" an evening hanging with my girls is just what I needed.  I agreed verbally, but really wanted to go home and not be bothered with anyone.  Instead, I headed downtown to meet them. 

When I got to the place,  to my surprise there were a couple of other people sitting with Sjar and Tiffany.  Well, I really wasn't feeling that, so I became even more annoyed and sat sulking for much of the time I was there.  I found myself annoyed by everything and everyone around me.  I was quiet, yet extremely moody.  I was not my usual talkative, smiling self.  All I kept thinking is that I should have went home. 

Disturbing me from my own thoughts was the sound of this guy being completely obnoxious (in my opinion).  He was saying something to some girl about her tattoo.  Really, dude? "Shut up!" was all I remember thinking.  And, then I heard him say to his boy that my earrings looked like a necklace that his boy had bought back from Nigeria.  By that time, I was extremely irritated and hoped that he was not saying that loud enough for me to intentionally hear. If so, he was in for a rude awakening. I was not in the mood.  Now, that I really think about it, I cannot believe how unpleasant I was that evening, smh.  My sincere apologies to Sjar and Tiffany.

I think the Bears were losing and I just could not take being there anymore so I told the ladies I was leaving.  I got up to say my good-byes when the obnoxious guy from earlier says to me, "come sit over here, you and your girls ain't talkin bout nuthin."  Now, anyone who knows me, knows that when a person says anything remotely challenging, I'm coming back with some snide, sarcastic remark.  Well, I was a lil off my game, so all I could say was, "what you mean we ain't talkin bout nuthin, what you talkin bout."  After that, I don't remember the exact exchange of words, they were many.  The next thing I remember hearing..."you are really beautiful, I can see God on you."  Now, tell me this dude didn't have game.  LOL!

Low and behold, he must have had something to talk about as I sat there for at least an hour.  Sjar had left and Tiffany was being entertained by another table while she waited for me.  My words were few as Paul did most of the talking, apparently needing to get some things off his chest.  He assured me he was not trying to come at me as he was preparing to move out of state.  However, by the end of that hour or so, he asked me for my number.  I gave it to him, not really thinking anything would develop.  Tiffany and I left out and, of course, I filled her in on the conversation with the man who was about to move.  While we were standing outside talking, Paul and his boy drove by and yelled to us to get home safely.

Before I actually got home, I received a text that read...Always remember your value, because precious stones cannot compare to you. You are a gift that will have no problem being recognized when you decide to shine.  My initial thoughts were that's sweet and WOW! He must have learned a lot in that hour or so.  Not long after I got home, Paul called me to make sure I made it safely.  We talked on the phone that night for 3-4 hours.  And, we've been talking ever since....

HIStory: I remember September 23, 2007 as if it were yesterday.

I had spent time with my daughter earlier in the day and I just wanted to be alone and reflect on my time with her. One of my boys had given me a call that wanted to hang out and watch the Bears game.

Everything in me wanted to say “I am cool,” but I ended up at Jimmy Figs anyway.

I am not really a drinker for those that have come to know me, but I had one or two beers and I remember this short chocolate sister walking through the door and she got my attention.

Now, I was thinking...baby got back (I also remember thinking she was beautiful). It was not her back, nor her beauty that had me in awe, it was her spirit...her presence, her aura.

There is a saying, “That a woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that it takes a man knowing God to see it.”

There is a presence that LaTrice has that is beautiful and that is what I continued to tell her on September 23, 2007...that she was so beautiful. It was like God was allowing me to see a treasure of great value when I was not even looking for it. 

I remember telling LaTrice that our outward beauty will fade away, that is why it is important that I see your true beauty because it can be renewed every day… 

Wife Affirmation Wednesday

What does this mean to you?

I can think of more examples than I would like to share about times when I have been unhappy in my marriage and blamed my husband for the feelings I felt. I thought for sure there was a direct correlation to what he would say or did and how I felt.

Then, one day we were having a discussion, a rather heated one, and he said to me, "you can't make me responsible for your happiness." I was blown by this statement until I sat down to think about what I heard him say. He was right! While I was happy to be with him, happy to be married, happy for the way he loved me. I still had the choice to be happy in spite of the challenging moments.

When you recognize your responsibility in your emotions, you allow yourself to make a choice in how you will respond to various situations around you. I guarantee your husband wants you to be happy, but if you are unhappy with any part of yourself, no matter what he does...you will still be unhappy. Today, make a new choice....HAPPINESS

Wife Affirmation Wednesday

What does this mean to you?

What does being a phenomenal wife mean to you? I guarantee that for each wife it will mean something different and that's okay. For one, it may mean being able to support your family emotionally. For another, it may mean self-care in order to be the best wife.

You have control over what being phenomenal looks like for you, but it starts with your understanding of your role as a wife and whether or not you fully embrace this role. 

When you are a phenomenal wife, you open the door for a phenomenal marriage. It is your ability to be extraordinary that will create an environment filled with love, trust and respect. Today, create your definition of being a phenomenal wife and share it on our facebook page or comment below.

YES! YOU can ASK for HELP.

YES! YOU can ASK for HELP.

I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with women (myself included) about having this feeling about not being able to ask for help when we are overwhelmed and taken on too much in our home, work and community lives.

YES! YOU can ASK for HELP.

I get it. You were absolutely made for greatness! And, in order to get there, you need the support of multiple people:

• spouse
• friends
• siblings
• mentor
• coach
• co-workers

These are just a few people that can help you along the way, offering their assistance or their expertise. 

Guess what?

They want to help you. They want to see you succeed and reach your goals.

YES! YOU can ASK for HELP.

Time out for living a life that has you stressed and depleted because your hands are on ten things at once.

TODAY...

call one person and ask them to do something to support you in your personal or professional life.

Comment below and let me know how you asked for help and how that made you feel.

YES! YOU can ASK for HELP.

It's your path to...

be happy. be healthy. be whole.

Wife Affirmation Wednesday

I will ask my husband's opinion about new endeavors and welcome his insight

What does this mean to you?
Have you ever had a great business idea? Or, declared you wanted to take a couple of weeks to explore another country? You find yourself so excited, but there's one problem. You have mentioned any of this to your husband...                                                                                          

I must admit, I am certainly guilty of this. I had the bright idea to apply for a fellowship that would have me traveling through Europe over a 3 week period. Theoretically, it was a great idea. I thought my husband would be just as happy as I was about the opportunity.                    

When I finally decided to discuss with my husband, he let me have it! In my opinion, he should have. Thinking back, I realized I acted selfishly and did not allow him the opportunity to think through the process with me. Eventually, I was able to get him to see things my way. And after all of that, I was not selected as a finalist for the fellowship. 

How can you be more open to your husband's insight? You can respond in the "comments" section.

Wife Affirmation Wednesday

I am excited to consistently create new goals with my husband

What are some goals you have set with your husband for this month or this year? I would love to hear your comments.

lonely, but not alone

Somewhere in the first year, I learned that my ideal of marriage and the reality were two different concepts. I grew up in a two-parent family (not all peaches and cream) and I saw the dynamics of my parent's marriage that I did not want in my own.

I made that very clear to my husband when he and I dated. We agreed that we would keep the lines of communication open and talk through (opposed to yelling) our disagreements. For the most part, we did that and maintained a loving, supportive marriage.

Until one day (it seemed like one day to the next), my husband was withdrawn and quiet; off in his own world. I knew he needed time to process almost everything (lol), so I thought nothing of it and let him have his space. Then, there was day two...

Day three...

Day ? Okay, I stopped counting.

When he finally came out of his shell (really a short stint of depression, but we'll talk about that in another post), I explained to him the neglect that I felt. I was careful to not accuse him of intentionally hurting me (I did not want to point the figure), but I needed him to know that I went through some of those days feeling like I had no one to turn to, no support; I was filled with loneliness.

He was physically present, but emotionally removed. It left me in a state of uncertainty. Some of those nights, I hugged and cried myself to sleep (I shed tears now thinking about that time). I could not understand what happened to our open lines of communication and it left me questioning what I had done wrong (the truth was, I hadn't done anything). 

I didn't want to talk to any of my friends or family for fear of judgment. I kept my pain hidden throughout the day, until I could cry silently. I kept asking God to protect my heart and fill me with understanding; not giving life to the resentment I felt toward myself or my husband. God did what I asked. 

When Paul and I got to the other side of that emotional separation, we were better individually and as a couple. It took some time and plenty of conversations. 

We were patient and understanding with each other.

If this is you, I recommend you talk to someone to process your feelings. The longer you feel a void in your marriage or feel lonely there is more potential for a negative outcome.

Take the steps NOW to...

be happy. be healthy. be whole.

prioritize your roles

wife, mother, sister, aunt, cousin, boss, friend, advocate, daughter...

These are the roles that compete for your attention on a daily basis that has the potential to drain the life out of you (if you allow them to and most of us do).

On any given day, I have worked to be the best of all of the above...failing miserably at most of them. It's not feasible to be everything to everybody and still take care of yourself. The sooner we realize this and take action to make changes, the better we will be.

In a recent conversation with entrepreneur, Katherine Darnstadt, she shared with me her philosophy on her roles. First of all, she only focuses on three:

1. Wife
2. Mom
3. Entrepreneur

She has committed to herself that it's a good day when she can successfully do two out of the three and not feel apologetic about missing the boat on the third. She said this is how she is able to find balance and not get bogged down by competing roles.

What roles are your prioritizing today to help you...?

be happy. be healthy. be whole.